Wait!
My God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, God! Oh, my God!
- I didn't see her! I didn't see her! - Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry! I didn't see her!
Do you have a cell?! Call 911!
Oh, God!
Hey, is she all right?
I don't know!
911? Yes, hurry, we need an ambulance quick.
My tapes.
Sorry.
This is cool, isn't it?
I, uh...I ran with scissors.
Seriously. I was six.
We're not related, you know.
Not really.
Pregnant? Pregnant?!
Get your bony fucking ass out of this car!
What the hell is the matter with you?!
What the fuck were you...
I gotta go.
Wait...
Wear this when they do it.
It's--it's good luck.
Mamie? Who's in there?
No one, Mom. I'm on the phone.
Charles is waiting in the car, so hurry up.
OK, I'm coming.
I've got your blue bag.
I only did it to get out of this house. OK?
No, you didn't.
Mamie! It's time to go!
- Hello. - Hello.
I'm Mamie Toll. I have an 11:00.
A one-hour is 75, right?
That's right.
I'm gonna tip her now...
so if you would please just tell her beforehand.
What's her name?
I'm sorry, I have you down for Javier.
Do you prefer a woman?
No, it's fine.
That's fine. Can you make a note, though, for next time?
Thank you.
OK, I'm ready.
Hello. I'm Javier.
Hi, I'm Mamie.
Have you had massages often?
Not really. I've had them before, but...
What place hurts you?
My lower back, a little. Right there.
OK.
OK, turn over.
I'll lift the top sheet for you.
What?
Better if we finish with the back.
Oh. Of course, yeah.
Makes sense. OK.
OK. Yeah.
Put your hands at your side, please.
Relax them.
Oh, sorry, yeah.
Everyone does it different--differently.
I'm Javier. Did I say that already?
Or Javi?
Yes, Javier. Yeah, you said it.
- OK? - Yeah.
OK, lifting your leg.
Just let it be loose, OK?
This is for your lower back, to stretch.
Uh-huh.
Bend your knee.
Good. Good. And I push, OK?
Uh-huh.
OK.
Do not bring your shoulders up. Let them fall down.
- OK. - Let them fall down.
Let them go.
Yeah.
OK.
Let 'em go.
What are you doing?
They can hear us.
Wh-what are you...
Get--OK, get off me. Are you crazy?
- Shh! - Don't!
This is what you need. This is why you've paid.
Well, it was-- it was a gift certificate.
Oh, shit!
A gift certificate? You would say that?
I just wanted to be specific. You know, a lot of details.
I told you I couldn't pull this off, I can't--
You're not a good liar.
- No. - This is good.
Well, you're not so hot, OK?
With the, you know, "This is what you need."
That was a little much.
You know what I was going to say? I was going to say...
"Trust my hands, trust my fingers."
I don't want to get you fired.
I agree. 100 percentage.
They can hear.
Muu...
Mucous. Mucous.
- Mu-cous. - Yeah.
Muc-cous. Muc--Ah. Muc-ous.
Mem-bran-ee?
- Membranes. - Mem-bran-ees?
- Membranes. - Mem-bran-ees sound better, no?
But it--
it already has a face, right?
A face and a personality?
It has more of a head than a face at this stage.
And a personality? I don't--Not a personality.
I don't think you could say that.
No one's giving me any advice.
I'm not here for advice. I'm here to listen.
I can't tell you what to do.
That's great. That's helpful.
I had one when I was your age.
And were you sorry after?
I mean, does it bother you?
I'm Catholic.
I shouldn't have told you that.
And I'm Jewish, so...
I shouldn't have told you that, either.
Will you be here tomorrow?
It's tomorrow at 10:00 if I decide.
Tomorrow? No. No, but there will be someone for you...
Janet, if you want to talk afterwards.
Yeah. I'm gonna do it.
OK.
I'm not maternal, either.
Thank you.
It's 7:00. I guess you're on your way.
It's tonight, you know, in case you're checking.
- Fuck! - Call me.
Fuck!
Hi. Yeah, Charley Peppitone, please. It's his sister.
Hey, it's me.
Hi. Listen, I'm--I'm too tired to come over.
Well, Charley, he's two!
And--No, he's not gonna-- He doesn't even know me.
I didn't get a present, and Pam and Diane don't care.
- They don't even like me. - They do like you.
Come on--What? You don't have to worry about that.
No--Listen--No, Gil has, like, a bunch of presents...
and he can just, like, put your name on one...
and then it'll be great, you know?
OK, wait, wait, wait. Mamie? Hello?
Shit.
Yeah!
- Happy birth--
That makes him cry.
Yeah, but the cake is great, and the candles--love that.
Can he blow 'em out?
Yeah, you wanna blow 'em out, baby?
We'll do it.
- Everybody do it together. - Blow towards Mommy.
One, two, three, blow!
I hated that song, too. I never knew where to look.
And how long can you stare at candles?
Just cake, no icing, 'cause we don't do sugar for him.
I thought the whole point of being a kid was candy.
Not anymore.
Could we just have dogs?
Oh, come on. You would have been a great dad.
Aw, thanks.
We tried. It wasn't meant to be.
- Besides, being an uncle's better. - Yeah.
So strong!
There you go.
Your cousin bites.
She doesn't. She's really good.
You think she bites?
Her husband's cute.
He totally is staring at your tits.
That's why I've got two weeks to find somewhere else to stay.
Well, I wish you hadn't slept with Rick back then...
otherwise, you know...
I know. I'm fine. I'm fine. Sorry, sorry.
It's OK.
I'm gonna find somewhere. It's cool. It's taken care of.
OK!
OK, next up, we have Jude!
Jude?
Jude? What did you do?
- Jude here? - It's funny, 'cause she's right here.
You are such a jackass!
- That was great. - Thanks.
OK...
Are you fucking serious?
That isn't what you picked?
No, no, that's what I picked.
OK.
This song is for someone who's here tonight.
If you search for tenderness
It isn't hard to find
You can have the love you need to live...
Little low.
If you look for truthfulness
You might just as well be blind
It always seems to be so hard to give
Honesty
It's such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty
Is hardly ever heard
It's mostly what I need from you
I can find a lover
I can find a friend
I can have security until the bitter end
Anyone can comfort me with promises again
I know
- Hey, Jude? - Oh, fuck off.
What? Oh, it's not that.
I've got this band. Serpentine?
Oh, have you ever heard of us?
No.
Anyway, Rain, our singer...
she got sent to rehab.
So I was thinking...
Hey, Otis! What's up?
Oh, can I borrow this?
We watched it last week, right?
Yeah, but I want to listen to the commentary.
You want to?
Uh, I gotta get home.
Yeah, I saw your...Gil.
- Hey, the baby's cute. - Yeah.
Who would you say he looked like?
Shit, I don't know. What's the name of the pretty one?
Diane. No, no, no. A guy, you know?
You know, if you had to say a guy he looked like.
I didn't really see him.
He's a baby, you know, cute, you know.
That's all I meant. Like, puppies and shit.
- I'll see you Thursday. - Yeah, sure.
Serpentine's playing?
OK. See ya.
Otis? Is that you?
Did you leave this at my house?
"Does 5/13/85 mean anything to you?
"If so, meet me at Cahuenga Grounds at 11:00."
It's a little dramatic. I'm sorry. I'm Nicky.
What is this about?
I don't want you to get the wrong impression.
I'm not a bad guy.
I'm a documentary filmmaker.
And I have a proposal for you. Strictly legitimate.
What do you know about this date?
You had a kid on that day. Somewhere in Phoenix.
Tell me I have that wrong.
Do you want a coffee or anything? A scone or...
I don't--I don't have any children.
Well, not legally, yeah.
But, I mean, you know, he's still yours.
See--Hey, see? I know it's a boy.
I know everything about him.
I know his name, I know where he lives.
He wrote, when he turned 18, about a year ago...
for all that information that they have to give you.
That's how I got your name.
He wants to contact me?
Well...no.
But they sent him back this file, which he showed me...
and I have in a very safe place.
But he didn't want to go through with it...
'cause he's such a suck-up to his fake parents.
I hate to tell you, he's really kind of a pussy.
Who are you?
I'm a friend. I'm like a mentor...guy.
He went to my high school six years after me.
Do you want to find him? Because I can tell you how...
on one condition...
which is...
you let me film the whole thing-- you finding your kid.
See, I need to get into AFI.
Do you know AFI? AFI is American Film Institute.
So, they have scholarships.
Well, they have, like, one scholarship a year...
so I need a killer film.
A documentary, like you finding your kid.
I don't believe this.
OK, yeah. We'd have to fake parts of it.
Sure, we would. But the emotion would be true.
Your guilt and stuff...
that would be our selling point.
I am so glad that you're not a dog.
I mean, you know, even if the story is great...
people want to look at good-looking people.
You know, all things being equal.
So, huge relief when I saw you, you know?
And I can make you look better. That's lighting.
I don't need to see my son.
I was going to have an abortion, in fact...
until someone talked me out it.
If you don't care, then why'd you keep updating the adoption agency...
with your addresses?
There's four of them in the file.
He has the information. He can contact me if he wants to.
He won't. He threw it away.
The whole file. That's how I got it.
If it wasn't for me, you'd go to your grave without ever seeing him.
You can keep that. I have the original.
I needed to reshoot finding it for the movie.
There's other stuff, too.
There's other stuff like this that I can--
Anyway, just...say yes.
I mean, it's win-win here.
This is a human being you're talking about.
Yeah! Who you gave away, OK?
I mean, come on, don't--don't be like that.
Look, I know that this is one of those big ideas...
but it's really just better if you just say yes to the movie...
because otherwise, I have to charge you 25K just for the info.
That's what they want at AFI for a year.
OK, you tell me where my son is or I'm going to the police.
In fact, no, I'm going to go to the police anyway...
you miserable jackass!
And I'm gonna press every charge they come up with.
How's that for a big idea?
Fuck.
Fuck!
God damn it! You know...
what I didn't figure is that you wouldn't care.
Which you don't. You haven't even asked me his first name.
I was gonna throw you that bone. But you know what? Fuck you!
No, no, no, you can tell me his first name.
No, you blew it.
Wow, you look...different.
Well, yeah, it was a long time ago, OK?
What'd you look like back then?
I don't--Forget it.
Listen, do you know who the father is?
Because if you say no, maybe this guy will go to him.
No. Father unknown.
I mean, of course, I know who the father was...
but that's what I put down on the forms.
And the father's dead. Plane crash.
And you don't have 25,000?
No, I can barely pay the first and second on the house!
How can I--
What about your family?
No, none of them know about the baby.
Except my dad. He's dead, too.
You know a lot of dead people.
Well, it happens.
It's creepy.
I'm young, and I don't even care
How lucky am I?
I'm young, with a few bucks to spare
And I don't even try
I know it's all in my mind
How lucky am I?
OK, that was awesome!
You sounded just like Rain, and she was good.
Really? 'Cause her tape sucks.
Can you slur and then have your forehead hit the mike?
That was, like, her signature.
Hey, Miles, let's get this in the van for tomorrow.
God, I don't know what to do with this song!
We could slow it down maybe.
Go slow?
Hey, do you guys mind if I ask you something?
She's not in rehab for drugs.
It's just booze. Plus, she's a vomiter.
A fat vomiter, which is fucking useless.
No...
just, why is Otis the leader?
I could drum better than him and his backup vocals suck.
Look around.
Yeah, he's an untalented little faggot...
but he's a rich, untalented little faggot.
His dad owns Linux Hills Mall. Or, like, most of it.
And he knows every club owner in town.
You think we could buy this stuff on our own?
- He's like Bill Gates. - That makes sense.
For now. Until Pappy finds out...
his kid's a pickle smoker, then we're history.
He's already got his suspicions.
He's gay?
Total cocksmooch. He'll deny it, but...
He's not gay. He just-- He looks gay.
Dude, you won't even take a piss with him.
Hey, there's beer, too, guys.
Why do you think he's a drummer?
So he can stare at our asses all night.
- That's him. - Sure?
OK, yeah.
Hurry.
Hurry. Here.
Oh, God.
OK.
Not a good wiper.
What kind of movies does this guy make?
I don't know. He's an idiot.
The kind idiots make, I guess.
All right, we're looking for a file, OK?
Don't mess anything up, if you can.
Not that he'd notice.
Yeah, check the duffel bag.
What if it's in his car?
Javi.
OK. This is--
This is the form I signed.
I left this with them, to go with the baby.
Who's Miriam?
Me. Is there anything else, anywhere?
Did you see a file?
There's no name.
Mamie, we'd better go.
Hey, wait, wait, wait. Is that sentimental?
Not really.
Let's trade. He'll never know the difference.
Thank you.
Whoa! What the fuck is this?
- No, no! - What are you doing here?
It's OK. I followed you today. It's OK.
You think you're gonna beat it out of me? I can't believe you!
My God, Nicky, no. It's nothing like that, no.
What's he doing here, then?
He's your new documentary.
OK? Javier, this is Nicky...
the director I was telling you about.
He's an immigrant, OK? From Mexico. And...
he was in gangs. They had gangs there, all right?
And he crossed the border...
so that he could put his life back together in the States.
It's the American dream.
OK? It's good.
Is that it?
That sucks! You think that's as good...
as a mother finding the kid she ditched?
All right, well, if you're not interested in that--
No, I'm not interested, OK? We're done.
I can get into AFI some other way.
I can shoot...
me getting into AFI. That'd be a good--
- Just get the fuck out of here. - All right, all right, we'll go.
So--But we'll work out another deal.
No, you've got nothing to offer. I got nothing to sell.
It's cool, man, OK? We get it.
OK? We couldn't think of anything better, but you're right.
Who wants to see a movie about a sex worker?
What?
A sex worker. That's what I do.
Massage, the works, you know?
For these rich Beverly Hills ladies?
But you know what? Sex--
No, sex shouldn't be in a serious movie. Come on, Mamie.
No, whoa, whoa. If it's...
necessary to the story, then...
What are we doing? Now we're helping him?
You want to know where your son is, right?
How hard could it be? We do a couple interviews...
we put it all on the computer.
Right? The tapes, everything?
He gives us the name, and we give him the movie.
Yeah. Well, you heard him, though.
He wants to shoot you doing the sex stuff.
So we fake it. It'll be pretend. You can be there to see.
Look, you're the boss. I'm just the star.
Have you done that? That kind of massage?
Happy ending? The full release?
Yeah. One time.
With you last week.
Nah. That was just a goof.
So is this. But at the end of it, you're going to know who your son is.
Happy endings.
You know, that'd be a good title for his movie.
You should tell him that. It could be your idea.
Oh, well. It's late.
The lady from Mexico said I could take some of this home.
- She went to bed. - Guatemala.
Really? She didn't tell me her name.
My cousin is charging me rent, and she's got all her food labeled.
She said it's so that her boyfriend has what he wants when he comes home.
Oh, shit! There were subs left? Do you mind?
Aw, yes!
Yeah, the thing is, you need a day job.
We just get meals sometimes. Couple bucks.
I told you that.
You always been rich?
I'm not rich. It's all relative.
That's what rich people always say.
- Give me a tour. - Oh, shit.
Just a real quick one.
Is this the African room?
No, those are-- those are from Indonesia.
Come on, tour me.
My dad's college roommate's.
- He's taking off his pants. - I know.
These are some sculpturey things.
Where did--
Hey, don't!
It's freezing outside. Your pool is so warm!
I know.
Oh, nice.
I just got this.
We're on this website for new bands.
- What are you doing? - I gotta spend the night, OK?
I just need a break. I'm a little buzzed.
I don't know. I--
Oh, just friends. Come on.
You're cute, but I don't know.
Have you ever slept with a girl before?
OK, duh, I'm 22.
I can drive you home.
Look...
I really want to spend the night.
I figure you should get something out of it, too.
- But I've got a girlfriend. - Otis, come on.
You should try it.
You might not be who you think you are.
You can leave your watch on.
Oh, I don't have a condom.
Have you ever had sex with anybody before?
Not exactly.
So you don't need one.
Here.
OK.
I'm sorry. I'm a little distracted.
Oh, the tits. Right?
Here.
Is that better?
Yeah.
- Good morning, Mr. Frank. - Hey.
- Let me get this. - No, I got it, I got it.
Their band played here.
All right.
Oh, hello. Are you the dad?
What?
Are you the dad?
Yeah. I'm Frank.
I'm Jude. I'm with Otis.
OK.
See ya.
Yeah.
Your dad's home.
Oh, shit! He's early.
You totally owe me, dude.
He does not think you're a 'mo anymore.
Hey, I am not gay.
Hello?
You hello.
- Hey, Otis. - Hey.
Nice girl.
Yeah, she's in the band now.
OK. Listen...
don't make Dignora wash the sheets, OK?
She's like your mother.
OK, Gil. I have something to tell you.
But before I do, you have to promise me...
that I'm the boss of this, OK?
What?
OK, I've discovered something, which I don't have to tell you...
so the fact that I'm doing that...
means you have to hand it over to me...
which means that what I say goes, OK?
No.
Fine. Up to you.
Absolutely fine.
It's cool.
Come on, please? It's really good.
This is really great. You'll thank me.
- If you want to tell me, tell me. - OK. You promise I'm the boss?
How old are you?
Look, only I cared to put this thing together.
I think that gives me a little ownership. I'm not crazy here.
I mean, this is really, really good.
OK, you're the boss, I agree.
In all things pertaining to this extraordinary development...
I will be guided by you, is that OK?
- "Guided" meaning? - Charley!
OK.
Max is your kid.
Your biological descendant.
Your spawn.
What're you talking about?
OK, this has been bugging me for months...
but now I'm so sure.
Fact: 3 1/2 years ago, you donated sperm to their gyno.
Yes.
Fact: After three months of trying, Pam said it wasn't working...
and they were gonna get a donor from a sperm bank.
Yes. They were upset about it, remember?
Pam was a wreck.
Fact: six months later, they're pregnant.
Fact: Sperm can be kept viable for up to twelve years...
if frozen correctly, according to this website I found.
And fact: When your parents came to visit a year ago...
Pam, Max, and Diane all got sick...
and couldn't come over to visit because your mother...
would recognize Max as her grandchild.
And, finally...
You...Max.
All kids look alike!
No, no, no. No, you see it.
You see it, but you can't believe it.
I can't believe it because--
Come on, it doesn't make sense.
Why would they lie?
Because this way, Max is all theirs.
They don't have to consult you about anything.
Sure, they'd lose a little money...
but it's the power, that's what they want.
They don't have to consider us at all.
But if that's how they feel about it...
why did they even try with us in the first place?
I don't know. Sentiment.
But then they thought better of it.
Maybe we were too enthusiastic.
Maybe we got excited and started talking about colleges...
or said something nice about sugar.
OK, then, you know, they changed their mind.
Why not really use sperm from a sperm bank?
Because you're a sure thing.
Look at you. You're smart, you're sexy.
You're not faggy at all. The gayest thing about you is me.
I've known Pam since the eighth grade. She wouldn't lie.
She's a mother. It's a sick, sick bond.
Think of yours.
Think of mine. It's unwholesome.
We have to call them.
No, no, they'll just deny it.
Look, we have options. We have plenty of options.
I think you should just let it sink in.
- God! - I'm the boss of this, remember?
You're too emotional. Just...trust me.
Did you guys hear that thing on NPR this morning?
About sperm.
Oh, no, no, no, I didn't hear that one.
- Well, maybe it was yesterday. - What was that?
Just about storage and freezing and stuff.
Pam, those jeans are great. Were those the ones--
Where did we get those? On Melrose?
Those are the ones you picked out, the French ones.
- They're so good. - Thanks.
Do you guys know how long sperm keeps?
- No. - Do tell.
Twelve years.
- What? - Yeah.
In the proper, you know, facility.
I don't know what it would be at home.
Did you hear the other story, though?
It must have been after that, on the Khmer Rouge...
about that guy who was growing vegetables behind the torture room?
- No. - That was devastating.
I almost had to pull the car over.
- Was Max in the car? - Yeah, but he was sleeping.
Sugar, bad. Torture, fine.
Is that big enough, right here?
That's great, that's perfect for me.
Can I get some ice cream with that?
- Oh, absolutely. - I'll get it.
You know, there's Tofutti in there, too.
- Oh, good. - You should try it.
What are you still doing here? Go play dominoes.
Get me some scissors from the bathroom.
What?
We can take a DNA sample from his hair...
but I can't pluck any without waking him.
What are you, crazy? Just get away from him.
Oh, my God, my car keys, I forgot this.
You're not doing it. Just give me those.
Yeah! Come on, this is gonna work.
Charley!
Listen, I know what those tests cost.
No, Charley.
Look at him, he's so cute when he's sleeping.
Yeah.
How can you not believe this? Look at him!
There's a photograph of you at home looking just like this.
Stick him in Tinkerbell PJ's, it's the spitting image.
What is the matter with you? Jesus! We are going to drop this, OK?
Look at him. He's happy, they're happy, we're happy.
Just leave it alone, all right?
Yeah, but you believe me now.
- No! - Yeah.
I don't. Promise me, all right?
I don't care if you're positive about this.
Just leave it alone. I'm serious.
OK. Fine.
I'm not leaving here until you're back in that living room.
Go.
Aw, man!
This is awesome!
I'm so going to buy this from you when we're done.
No, forget it, OK? It's all going back to the store...
before the credit card bill comes, OK?
So don't drop it. That's not funny.
Don't you know any of this stuff?
Oh, wow, you look really pretty if I stand far away and I use the zoom.
Thank you.
OK, it's back to normal now.
- OK. - Cool.
All right, here, gimme the camera.
OK, here, sure.
OK, but right now. Thank you.
All right, let's see.
Just have to open the program.
Here it comes.
There it is!
Who's that handsome guy, huh?
Cool! Make it rewind through the computer.
OK, no! Not in my room!
All right? It's this room, the bathroom, the kitchen.
Everything else is off-limits.
There. You're sleeping with Javier.
You could've told me.
"This is my boyfriend. He's a sex worker."
- You're embarrassed, huh? - No, it's none of your business.
And it doesn't affect any of this, does it?
Wait, wait, wait, rewind, rewind, rewind.
Hey, who's that guy?
Oh, my ex-husband.
- Still hung up on him? - No.
That's there to remind me what he's like when he calls.
He lost $62,000 that night.
That could've been my money!
Yeah, that's what really hurts about it.
Does Javier gamble?
I don't know. I don't care. I'm not planning to marry him.
Yeah, duh! He's creepy.
"Senor Fingers!"
I don't want him handing me any cigarettes...
if you know what I mean.
So, you're just into him for the sex.
'Cause, I mean, I get that, you know.
He's dangerous. He's, like...
gangs and handjobs and Mexican.
I can see where that'd be attractive...
but, you know, you've married the bad boy before.
Mr. Vegas, huh? Live and learn.
Naturally, as my extortionist...
your insights are particularly valuable.
Then why is he holding back, though?
I mean, bring on the ring, dude! Like, he should marry you.
He should totally marry you. You're a step up.
OK. Well, this is in. It's in the hard drive.
When we're done with this, we can edit.
Watch.
Don't. No, don't. Oh, come on!
That's not a zoom, incidentally. Just the way it is.
Like a penis, only bigger.
Who raised you?
How lucky am I?
I'm yours, and I don't even care
How lucky am I?
I'm young
With a few bucks to spare
And I don't even try
I know it's all in my mind
How lucky am I?
I can't believe all my good fortune
I count my blessings every day
Should hurt to be so fun-loving
My life must be a crime
How lucky am I?
He says, "I can't take 67 more of those!"
How's the food?
Thanks, Mr. McKee. It's great.
Yeah, we were just going to hit up Taco Bell.
Well, it's my pleasure. You guys are good.
- How's the new amp? - Makes a difference, yeah.
You are really, really talented.
Thank you. I'm just trying to hang in there.
What do you mean?
She's just helping us out until Rain gets out.
Yeah, I need to get a real job, anyway.
I got evicted earlier this month.
Actually, the guy that I was subletting with got evicted...
and none of my checks made it to the landlady...
so that was fun.
Speaking of that, we should probably get you back to your cousin's.
Wait. You're not sleeping on someone's couch?
It's an air bed.
You just push the button, boom, it's full-sized.
Otis, what is the matter with you, dude?
Dude?
Listen, we got an empty pool house.
You move in there till you find a place.
- Oh, I don't know. - We practice there, Dad.
That's what I'm saying. It's no use to me.
It's got a big bedroom and a full bathroom. You'll love it.
- Well, I don't know. - I do. It's fine.
Miles, you'll know this.
What would it take to get all you cats into a studio to cut a CD?
- Seriously? - Seriously.
Nice car.
Well, my dad's letting me run out the lease.
Isn't it nice not being a fag?
This is the thing...
I'll totally help you find a new place.
Because this is temporary.
That's what he said, until you find your own place.
Oh, what's it to you?
What do you mean? This is too fast.
We're sleeping together.
Yeah, once. It wasn't that fast. It was good.
I'm just saying we've got to be our own, independent people.
Suddenly, we're, like, living together?
You know what? It's fine. 'Cause we're breaking up.
What?
Look, I'm not going to screw you and your dad.
You're not going to fuck my dad.
He is 44, OK?
So, the first guy I slept with was 38 and I was 13.
My best friend's dad.
You're making that up. That's from American Beauty.
It was exactly like that.
Except I didn't have roses coming out of my tits.
My dad has lots of girlfriends, and he spends money on them...
but he doesn't marry them, so you can forget that.
Why would I want to marry him?
Like that's what I need-- a gay stepson.
You think I'm just going to let someone take advantage of my father?
Hey, butt boy, listen...
if you don't help me with this...
I'm going to tell him you're gay...
and then you'll be out on your ass, not me, OK?
So...
First thing you gotta do is, you gotta break up with me...
because there's no way your dad's gonna fuck his son's first real girlfriend.
He's got morals.
Yeah, well, I am dumping you, OK?
Just so you know.
Yeah. But let me tell you why.
- Breakfast? - No, thanks.
Thought you were out in the pool house.
Why?
Otis, it's OK if you want to spend the night with Jude.
It's fine. You're not a teenager anymore.
- She get settled in all right? - She's moving out.
What?
We broke up.
I mean, I broke up with her.
She's moving back to her cousin's...
and she might not even be in the band anymore.
- I don't know. - What happened?
She lied to me about her age.
She's not 24, she's 29.
She's too old.
- She's 29? - Yeah, for another month.
I don't want to date a 30-year-old. I'm 22. You know?
I could be in college.
Why would she lie about her age?
I just assumed.
I don't know. Anyway, she...
she wants to use the pool today. I said it was OK.
Her cousin's at work, and she gave back her key.
Well, I'm sorry things turned out this way.
I'm going over to AIvin's.
In the Lexus.
Sure, sure.
Sure, whatever.
Hey.
Oh, hey, Mr. McKee.
No, Frank.
Listen...
I hear things are a little tricky.
Yeah.
Thanks for the pool house thing and all.
I don't think it's going to work out.
You know, I'd really hate to see you leave the band.
They really need you.
Well, it's kind of up to Otis.
I could talk to him.
I mean, every woman lies about her age a little bit.
That's what he told you it was about?
Man, it's not that.
He's got someone else.
Lane.
Lane? That's a girl's name?
He didn't tell you anything about her?
You don't know your son very well, do you?
Well, I don't think you should leave.
I insist you stay. I'm going to talk to Otis...
'cause that's no way to treat somebody you care about.
I wish he was more like you.
Well, he's young, and maybe I could have done a better job.
But I was a kid when I had him, practically.
Do you know what?
You remind me of the first boy I dated.
Hardly a boy.
Now you're lying.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, that's why I've been behaving so weird lately.
You know. We both have.
I just--I-- I can't even believe this.
I can't believe we're having this conversation.
All right. So...what kind of disease?
He won't say, you know? He--
It's neurological, he told me that.
Oh, my God.
Yeah. Hereditary.
All the males in his family have to be tested for it.
Do you--I mean, what's the name of it?
It's not MS, I know that.
Well, is it like MS?
Well, it's...I don't know.
Are you forgetting the name of it?
He didn't want me to interfere, you know?
He just thought I would be, you know...
that I would be on the internet...
and I'd be talking to doctors and nagging him.
Like I'm that guy, you know. I'm not that guy.
All right. What are the symptoms? Do you know the symptoms?
Yeah. Did you know Gil's grandfather...
when you were at high school together?
No. I don't think so.
I don't--I don't even remember Gil talking about him or mentioning him.
Well, I'm not surprised. It's pretty debilitating.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Hey, it's not fatal.
- It's OK. - It's not?
No, no, no. It's just untreatable.
Yeah.
All right. So, when-- I mean, what do we do?
Pam, you mustn't say that we-- You can't tell him we spoke.
Oh, God. All right. I mean, I-- Yeah.
He would kill me if he knew we'd spoken.
- Oh, my God. Max! - Max?
I've got to go pick him up. I gotta get myself together.
- That's the one comfort we have. - What?
You know, that you guys couldn't get pregnant...
with Gil's, you know.
Like your body knew somehow.
Just said...not allowed.
I gotta go. I gotta go. Sorry.
Hey, Pam, I think it's going to be OK.
I gotta say, man, I'm glad she's not here for first day...
'cause she's, like, opinionated.
All right.
What did you do to your face, man?
- What do you mean? - You got a fake moustache on.
Oh, yeah. You like it?
It's so my clients don't notice me, you know?
It's a little make-up, too, that Mamie has.
Mamie's white, OK? You look like a scared Mexican.
Like, down at the border on the news.
Hey, come on. That's my face up there, OK?
It's gonna look good through the camera.
- Just shoot. - It's cool, man.
I don't know how it's gonna read. I guess--
- Come on. I gotta go. - Well, it looks all right.
OK. We're rolling, we're rolling.
Came up with a list of questions that, you know...
everybody who's ever gotten a massage, I'm sure, wants to know.
Have you had a massage, ever?
Yeah, I have. Actually, let's start with that.
What do you do when somebody lets one out...
while you're massaging them? Do you just keep going?
Is that what the incense is for? Take me through that.
You farted today inside.
- No. - You said it was her!
- Cut! - You know something?
Women don't fart like that, my friend.
Do me a favor? Take a picture of me.
I forgot, I wanted to do it before. So we'll get back to this.
Ready?
Your fly's open.
Good.
Here we go. What's it like...
when some woman you're massaging lets one out?
OK, they're cooked all the way now.
I didn't know. I like 'em pink.
OK. Maybe we have five minutes, in a montage...
with music covering the stupidity.
- We shot for two hours. - Yeah, and it's garbage.
Nicky, who cares who invented that donut that people put their face in?
It's called a cradle, OK?
A face cradle, and I think it's interesting.
And farts? And who pays for the lotion?
And, so, OK, how do people tip you?
Because they're naked, so where's the wallet?
That's neat, OK? The little envelopes at the front desk?
I didn't know that.
All right. Do you want to get into film school?
- Yeah. - Because I don't care.
I just have to help you make a documentary.
As good as the one you're not letting me make.
No. No. Just a documentary.
If you want a stupid interview...
that you could see on the local news, fine.
But if you want this to be good...
if you want people to care about him...
you have to have a point of view.
I have a point of view!
This guy has it made, and I care...
because I want to see him get all these ladies off.
- That's your reasoning? - Yes!
Oh, OK. All right. Well, I'm relieved.
What does that mean?
It means someone smart would be harder to please.
But if you're stupid, hey, just makes my job easier.
What did you just call me?
Forget it. It's OK.
You know, you say "stupid" too much.
I just mean, I think you're better than this...
or you could be.
Yeah, well I think that goes for everybody...
from what I can see from right here.
Anyway, the makeup blows. I'll give you that.
It's no fun thinking of him nailing all these women...
if he might be a homo, but that's just me.
That's my beer.
Sorry.
It's OK.
OK. All right.
It's gonna be OK.
All right, well, it's gonna be good.
We'll just go through it again.
I got two hours of footage.
Yeah.
Will you do me a favor, for my sanity?
Will you just say to me--
Please just say to me right now...
five minutes was an overestimation.
Jesus Christ.
Time to go.
Hey, Charley.
That was Pam and Diane from the car.
They're on their way over.
I thought we were seeing them tonight at Jill's.
They say they have something to tell us.
Wow. That was fast.
You know, don't you?
All right, guys. I don't know where to begin.
- Oh, well... - So...
Look, you know, these things, they just get out of hand.
I mean, you know, you want to tell...
you want to get it off your chest.
And I'm sure every night you think you will...
and it just gets harder and harder.
We're your best friends. I mean...
I know, but, you know, we're still that, right?
- I mean... - Oh, God, yeah.
This doesn't change anything. For me it doesn't.
No, but also, trust is everything, and...
It's not just about trust.
Gil, how are you feeling?
Well...wow.
Well, I'm feeling better now that we're facing it.
But, you know, we're getting ahead of ourselves.
Why don't you say what you came here to say?
It's over, OK?
The secret, OK? We're done with that.
It's done. And now we just...
we want to be here in any way we can.
OK? I mean, the health system's tricky...
- and, well, you need advocates-- - Pam! Pam!
You got to let us be that for you--
Pam, can I have a conversation with you?
Charley, I'm gonna bring you into this.
- I need to speak to you in private. - And Charley, too.
That should be obvious, but you've got to let us all help you.
I'm--What are you talking about?
- Come on, Gil. Knock it off. - Gil, it's OK.
Look, we know you're sick, and we want to help you.
I'm sick? I'm not--What?
- I told you not to bring it up. - Bring what up, Charley?
I had to, man. I mean, we're family.
- But I don't... - Gil, your disease, all right?
Your incurable, untreatable brain disease.
We know. Jesus. I mean, how long are you gonna keep this up?
What? I don't know what is going on.
Look, so far we know that it's hereditary...
it's progressive, and asymptomatic so far...
which is good news.
OK, I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd be mad...
but I had a plan--
Hereditary? Jesus, Charley!
What, are you Lucy? What kind of crazy shit is this?
It's not crazy. You should've seen her face when I told her.
She was so upset.
Of course she was upset, Charley. She's my oldest friend.
She was upset because she thought Max would inherit the brain...
- Wait a second. - Max? How would Max inherit it?
Oh, you're good. You're very good.
Are you not sick?
I--
Oh, Jesus. OK.
What the hell's going on here?
Look, we know that Max is Gil's son.
OK? You only have to look to see that.
We know that you lied about the sperm sample not working.
But, you know, best friends or not...
you wanted a kid that you didn't have to share.
Oh, you miserable little faggot.
Oh, that's mature. Homophobe much?
Do you have any idea what you've done?
And you lied to me? About him being sick?
That's disgusting.
Jesus Christ, Gil. Is that what you think?
No, no. I mean--
I don't know. I mean...
It never occurred to me before, Pam. It just--
Notice that they're not denying it.
- I'll deny it. - Fuck that.
- I gotta get out of here. - You don't deserve it.
So let's get a DNA test.
You know what, motherfucker? Get a court order.
In the meantime, you stay the fuck away from us.
It's me, OK? It's not you.
They'll see that. That's the way to go with this.
Just blame me. I'm fine with that.
I mean, they didn't deny it.
Not really.
It's interesting. I...